A mind filled with thoughts leads to heavy thinking, such as a mind filled with no thoughts brings little to no thinking. My mind falls along the former, filled with thoughts to such an extent that my mind is drowning itself. As such, my entire being feels like it's drowning. Now, here is the question. Why? Why is my mind in such a state? Well, for me, it is an simple enough answer, which is actually a question. "Do I truly like this girl like my mind is portraying, or is it only because she is there that my heart feels like it does?" Chances are, you are wondering what I mean by that. Or, you may not. But, I will save you the trouble and tell you regardless, to keep your mind from pondering such silly tales.
For nearly a full year now I have been single. Over the last three months or so, it has hit me in such a what that I feel as though I'm losing my mind. The lack of romantic and emotional interaction of that form is slowly driving me to the point of desperation, insanity (more so than normal..) Even now as I'm typing this, I could not begin to explain to you why, but it's true. Now, as for the girl I mention. I'm sure I mentioned her in a journal previously. She was there for me, more so than the friends I was physically with that night, or so it seemed at least. Since then, my mind has sought to relieve my agony (for lack of a better word), by making believe that my feelings for this girl are real.
Now, another question. Is it just my mind playing tricks, or is it real? For a while, my hear believe it to be true... So much so that there have been instances that I truly felt a genuine urge to kiss her.. But were those feelings as real as my heart made it seem..? This is where my predicament lies. Should I trust my heart and make a move? Or should I hold my tongue and wait for this to pass...
In all honesty, I don't want to waste this shot... But all the odds seem against me. What if things turn out horribly wrong? Will I love her as a friend? That is quite possibly one of the last things I would want to happen... Or do I risk missing out on something potentially real, and good...
I just don't know anymore... I need help... Please... I need a sign. Something! Anything!!
So.. I've somewhat come back from my mental break down a little while ago.. Though.. My mind is still a jumbled mess. (And that's putting it very lightly.) But, I'm slowly putting it back together.
Though, for some reason, it was thrown for a loop in the last 12-13 hours. A few friends and I threw a surprise birthday party for another friend of mine who I hadn't seen all summer. I was excited to see her when she stopped into Petco the other day, but I was even more excited to actually get to hang out with her at her party. (Which, btw, was fantastic, minus the storm and, at one point, having nothing to do; Though that was quickly fixed.)
So, yeah, I get to her house, try to seek in so that she wouldn't see me with the help of the other friend, who helped me and the mother organize the party. After a minute or two, we gave up, and just nonchalanty walked into the back yard. I met her friends from her college, which was pretty nice. They were really nice and pretty easy to get along with.
Throughout the night, there was plenty of chatter and laughs and silly music to be played. We played some "Never Have I Ever" (without the shots), and got to know a few things about everyone. Funny, though, how I tended to survive longer than usual. That never really happens. But, yes, there was fun to be had.
Now. There was alcohol at this party. I was basically told "You're underaged. Please, don't drink" from my friend's mother (the host). But, I'm me, so I did it anyway. My birthday's in two months. This is my care face. (I was scolded later for it, by the birthday girl. :P) By that time, I hardly cared. I was buzzed enough where I was just like, "Yeah, whatever. Going to listen in on conversations now."
But, yeah. We spent a shit ton of time just talking, which was nice. A few people left, just kept talking, listening to music...
What's weird is what my mind was doing to me. Like... When I had that break down.. my friend, the birthday girl.. She was honestly the only person there for me. Granted, it was over the internet, but god damn it, she was there, when the friends I was in the very same room with said hardly anything about the matter, even after they found it. But, yeah. I guess, ever since that night, I've..
I've gotten into thinking. You see... We're both on an internet dating site.. The site listed us as potential matches. Now.. When I first saw that, I was pleseantly amused, in an almost, "Could that really happen..?" sort of way. She was just, plain old amused. But, as of late... My mind keeps thinking that it could be a really good idea.
And.. after spending the day with her... I'm starting to believe. I mean, I suppose it's hard to see.. The two of us together... But.. My mind is making it a thing. Even my Grooming Manager at work thought it could be a good idea. "WHAT?!" ...
I don't know.. I don't feel as though I should really trust my emotions at the moment... Or my mind... I'm not really stable. I'm lonely as lonely can get. Maybe my mind is just doing this to cope? Maybe it's... something more? I just...
I don't want to act on it, and have it ruin anything. That's my biggest fear. She's a really good friend to me. One of my best friends. I don't want to go messing that up because I can't take being alone anymore. I don't know... And...
And what worries me a little more, is that we are likely going to the mall tomorrow. Probably just the two of us.. My mind right now is... Ugh. I don't know what to do. I just.. don't know.
Everyone wears a mask. Whether it be in the work place, in front of the family, friends. It's inevitable. But when you wear a mask for so long, that you yourself even begin to believe that the mask is real... That's when the problem begins to emerge.
Although I sit amongst friends at this very moment, it is almost as though I am in a world of my own. Is it the silence? Sure, silence is the reason why I'm writing this right now. I have nothing better to do with my time. Be warned, to those that are actually reading this. I will begin to ramble. At this point, I'm just typing out my thoughts, emotions. Everything that comes to mind.. Though I feel as though I should apologize now, I will not. After all... Entries are a way to vent, are they not?
Maybe that's all I need... An exit. A vent of some sort. A way to clear my head. It's been a while since I've done something like that... My mind is just reeling with thoughts and ideas and emotions...But even I know that would be a temporary fix. A very temporary fix..
I think... I think I'm just lonely. No. I know that I'm lonely. Even with my closest friends near me... I'm lonely. And even the bloody gods know I don't get out enough to have a real social life... I haven't met anyone new in ages... I've... attempted to go out and find people to socialize with.. Even if it's a one time thing. I'm just... so done with being alone.
A friend of mine from work had suggested I go out to clubs and such to mingle... But how am I suppose to get there? I lack a car. Not to mention, there is nothing out here. Nothing. The nearest place is in fucking NYC, and there's no way I'm going all the way out there on my own. At least, that is, until I turn 21 in two months. And that's another thing. I've mentioned this to my close friends... Taking a trip out somewhere... Going out to a club or the like... But clearly my thoughts haven't made much of a difference... My attempts. All wasted. The one doesn't like being around people, the other is shy as all hell, especially with complete strangers, and the third... I don't even know. He sure as hell doesn't seem interested.... Did I mention that my closest friends are all in relationships?
The three of them. Well, the two boys are together, and then the girl has a boy of her own... Can I just make mention as to how much I always feel like the 3rd or 5th wheel? I'm just... there. That's all I seem to be. And it drives me insane. I hate being single. To no end. I hate not having someone I can just...
I hate not having someone I can hold.. hug.. kiss. I miss that feeling to no end. Typing this... Typing this is nearly bringing me to tears, because it tears me up inside how much I hate this feeling. Only reason I'm not crying is because I am with with boys... I suppose I could just let it happen... Blame it on watching a sad video... But something tells me I wouldn't stop.. I kid you not.. Right now... If I were to receive a hug.. I would lose it. I would cave, and I know I wouldn't be able to keep the tears away...
I've held up this mask for so long... I'm surprised I haven't caved yet... I'm surprised my emotions haven't overwhelmed me to the point where I'm a sobbing mess yet. I can't imagine I can hold them in much longer... I'm amazed I've survived for this long...
I think.. I'm done for now.. This didn't seem to help much... But... It's better than keeping it all inside...
Was there ever a fictional character who you admired so much that you strived to be like him or her?
Sadly, there are too many to count for me. Though, I'll pick just one for this occasion.
I'd say it'd have to be Turquoise Draka from Midnight Predator. Or Ravyn from the same novel. Maybe a mix of the two. They're both pretty awesome.. Now it's time to find this book and buy for my Kindle. Haven't read it in so long.
I may actually be finding myself to be back into writing some good old fan fiction. Or, fiction in general. ;3
I can't help but feel that it's because of my most recent obsession, but who knows. It may come out for the better. xD
Planning of characters has already begun, some of which I may put up here, on this journal, for not other reason than to be random. So far, I have a gooooooood feeling about this.
Alright! So, I've noticed that I've completely neglected poor LiveJournal here for over two months now. I'm.. going to begin to fix that by making an entry, as I am right now.
To explain the title, 10 years ago, I was the little dork that fell head-over-heels for the show Xena: Warrior Princess. Though, back then, I had no idea just how heartfelt the show was, until I started watching it again last week. Well, I finished it, about 8 days later, and last night, not 12 hours ago, I found myself balling my eyes out at the ending.
Only now, 10 years later, did I come to realize all the subtext and true love felt between both Xena and Gabrielle, but even back then, I cried at the series finale. Back then, I didn't know why. I was what, 10? 11? But now, when I'm 20, I understand why I cried, and why I cried again. (I think even then I knew I liked girls. >_>)
But, this entry is not for me to feel sad about the shows end, but to honor it. I was a fan then, and a fan now, and I will be a fan for life. Xena and Gabrielle taught us things most people could never come to understand, such as the undying love two people can have, even through death, space, and time.
I only wish I can meet someone as passionate about love, as passionate about their soul mate, as I've seen these two amazing women portray.
Thank you Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor for your amazing acting, and showing us that friendship can travel even beyond a job. They are best friends in life now, passed their Xena and Gabrielle persona, and that is a sweet sigh of relief for many.
Also, for those that have never watched Xena: Warrior Princess, I highly, and I mean highly recommend that you do. It's on NetFlix, all six seasons, which is how I came to watch the show again.
Anyway, enough of my ranting, cause as you can see, I tried to keep it short.. It's almost working.
Farewell from the Warrior Princess, the "Battling" Bard of Potidaea and myself. Blessed be all. :3
Of course my mother would find a way to start my Christmas Eve off in a a horrible manner.
No matter. I'll make the best of it later. Aka, relaxing after a tiring and sickly week. -.-
Before I start off with my original idea for the post, I just have one thing to comment on.
It's really been since Halloween since I've posted something?! o.O
Alright, now that I have that out of my system, it's time to get on with my original post, which in all honesty, it's just me being a WoW dork. More specifically, me being a dork over my favorite and beloved toon, Jezelynn. :D So, I warn now. If you don't like WoW, it may not be your cup of tea to read this. Then again, it's really a rambling about what happened to her in an RP, so who knows. Read on. :3
Soooooo, to start off, Jeze has been single for well over half a year now, all because her ex-husband married someone else while they were still married. An asshole, no? (He and I are friends out of game. xD) Well, anyway, yeah, she's been single for a while. She was and usually isn't really into the dating scene because, to be honest, she's petrified to ask anyone out, or to try to get close to anyone in that way. Look at her ex for example!
Anyway, She was walking along the Court of the Sun, down towards Farstriders Square (??? I believe that's what it's called), when she realized she was being followed. She stopped and asked the guy why he was following her before she realized it was someone she knew. Talordris, a member of the Sunguard, is also a Blood Knight. She tends to avoid them, but, she makes exceptions. After what seemed like more than a friendly chat, they shared a kiss, Talordris cleverly stating, "You have something on your bottom lip". Out of game, I was laughing my ass off. In game, Jeze's heart skipped beat. :3 She's a cutie.
Anyway! They shared a kiss, which.. then turned into a make out, which I will admit was amusing to respond to. Why? Well.. Jeze hasn't kissed anyone in what seems like years! So it was fun. After a bit of chaos that ensued, first between Sunguard members and then later with Anetho (no longer Jeze's brother), they finally came to the conclusion that they should give the whole thing a shot, despite their guild differences and despite Anetho's accusation of her being a Twilight Hammer Cultist. (There's a whole backstory to that, which I may add. :3)
Soooooo yeah, that's that. I gotta jet off to work now. I'm so very happy for my little girl. :3 It's about damn time!
Anyway, I'm out. See ya!